While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jerry and his wife
listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and
wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed
the men, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Jerry leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered,
"Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man."
A visitor came to Israel and saw the Wailing Wall. Not being too versed
in religious aspects, he inquired of another tourist about the
significance of the wall.
The other tourist explained, "This is a sacred wall. If you pray to it,
G~d may hear you."
The visitor walked close to the wall and started to pray. "Dear Lord,"
he said, "bring sunshine and warmth to this beautiful land."
A commanding voice answered, "I will, my son."
The visitor said, "Bring prosperity to this land."
"I will, my son."
"Let Jews and Arabs live together in peace, dear Lord."
The voice answered, "You're talking to a wall!"
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the
room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not
coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him. The husband continued.
"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says......
"I would have gotten out today."
An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements.
After a while, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators.
Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
After dying a grisly death in an Afghan cave, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he was greeted by George Washington.
"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yelled Washington, slapping Osama in the face.
Patrick Henry came up from behind. "You wanted to end America's liberty, so they gave you death!" Henry punched Osama in the nose.
James Madison came next, and said, "This is why I allowed the government provide for the common defense!" He took a sledge hammer and whacked Osama's knees.
Osama was subjected to similar beatings from John Randolph, James Monroe, and 65 other people who had the same love for liberty. As he writhed on the ground, Thomas Jefferson hurled him back toward the gate where he was to be judged.
As Osama awaited his journey to his final very hot destination, he screamed, "This is not what I was promised!"
An angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you. What did you think I said?"
An old man was in bed with his wife when suddenly he let out a loud fart. He yelled, "7 points!"
His wife looked at him and said, "What the hell are you doing?"
He simply replied, "Just playing bed football."
Ten minutes later the wife let a loud one and said, "Tie game - 7,7."
The husband's competitive side kicked in and he started starting straining... when suddenly he crapped his pants! His wife looks over and said, "Now what's the score?"
He said, "Still 7,7. End of quarter switch sides!!!"
Bad Dog, Put Fluffy Back
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'
Annoying Boy on Bus
A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''
The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''
The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
A Small Problem
A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are too small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''
Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''
''How!?!?!?'' she asks.
''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''
''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.
''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.
''How did you know that?'' she wonders.
''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ass, didn't it?'''
5 Counterproductive Pick-Up Lines
5) How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
4) If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, then could I meat you between the holidays?
3) My love for you is like diarrhea; I just can't hold it in.
2) How do you like your eggs: fried, scrambled or fertilized?
1) If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
A stoner stumbles out of a party...
A stoner stumbles out of a party, and starts to walk home.
One the way he bumps into a guy who is all bloody and mangled.
The guy limps up to the stoner and says "Call me an ambulance!"
The stoner looks at him for a second, smiles and says, "You're an ambulance!"
Pumping up Daddy
A little boy wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents' bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."
His mom is taken by surprise and says. "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The boy says, "That won't work."
His mom says, "Why?"
The boy replies. "Because the lady next door comes by after you leave each day and blows him back up!"
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the
following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come
out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint
every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build
her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I
will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy
has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about
what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the
Fourth Guy: "That's easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes
off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke. 'Golf Course or
Intercourse?', I ask. She says, 'Wear your sweater.'"
The New Priest
There is a new priest and it is his first time doing confession. One woman came in and said, "Bless me father for I have lied."
Not knowing what to give her, he opens the confessional door and asks the old priest to which he said, "Give her 5 hail marys." And so he did.
The next woman kneels and says, "Bless me father for I have stole." Once again he has to ask the old priest in which he replies,
"Give her 5 Our fathers." And so he did.
The last woman kneels and says, "Bless me father for I have given a blowjob."
Still not knowing what punishment to give, he goes to ask the older priest but he is no longer there. So he asks an alter boy,
"What does father give for a blowjob?"
And so the alter boy replied, "Two snickers and a cherry coke."
The lovers passionately embraced on her bed, their bodies fused
together as they gyrated to their own beat. The woman cocked her ear, "Quick!
My husband's coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!" she
The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed
and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door. "What
are you doing lying on the bed naked?" he asked.
"Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive
you," she replied with a knowing smile.
"Great," he said, "I'll just step into the bathroom and I'll be with
you in two shakes." Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom
where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.
"Who the devil are you!" the husband demanded.
"I'm from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid
of these pesky moths," the lover replied.
"But.. but you've got no clothes on?" stammered the husband.
The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, "The
A rookie Police Officer was assigned to ride in a cruiser with a more
experienced partner. A call came over the car's radio telling them to
disperse some people in town who were loitering. The officers drove to
the street and immediately observed a small crowd standing on one corner.
The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let's get off the corner."
No one moved, so he barked again, "Let's get off the corner now!"
Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled
glances in his direction. Proud of his first official act, the young
policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?"
"Pretty good", replied the veteran, "considering this is a bus stop."
The Birds and the Beezzzzzz
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child sats, busting into tears.
"Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no
Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that
grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing to live for."
A well known cardiologist died, and an elaborate funeral was planned. A huge heart made of plastic, covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened up, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart to be buried. At that point one of the mourners burst into laughter.
When confronted he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynaecologist!"
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.
The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”
A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?
He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Sixth grade science teacher Mrs. Samson asks her class: "Who can tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Nobody raises a hand, so she calls on the first student to look her way. "Mary, can you tell me which organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated?"
Mary stands up, blushing furiously. "How dare you ask such a question?" she says. "I'm going to complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal, who will have you fired!"
Mrs. Sampson is shocked by Mary's reaction, but undaunted. She asks the class the question again, and this time Sam raises his hand.
Yes, Sam?" says Mrs. Sampson. "Ma'am, the correct answer is the iris of the human eye."
"Very good, Sam. Thank you." Mrs. Sampson then turns to Mary and says, "Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: first, it's clear that you have not done your homework. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, I fear one day you are going to be sadly disappointed."
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least twenty times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady comes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good, now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
Poetry -by: Redd
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu."
First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked a lonely caravan;
Men on camels, two by two
The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop up tent.
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
The redneck won hands down!
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. "Whales can’t swallow people," the teacher said. “Even though they are large mammals, their throats are very small.”
"But Jonah was swallowed by a whale," the little girl replied.
"That just can’t be," the teacher said. "It’s physically impossible."
"When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah," said the little girl.
The teacher looked down at her, smiled and asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him."
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